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Similarities.
Dec. 23rd, 2025 04:28 amI talked to my father today, and it wasn’t bad or evil. He drove me to Michaels (craft store) while my mom was out cold (jet lag from Australia). I bought embroidery floss to make bracelets for my online friends :) Ugh I need a hexcuse for that still. At least the place we’re going is like, right by one of my meatspace friends’ house. I wonder if I should tell my parents that I have online friends someday. I constructed a plan for becoming more independent: one step at a time, building up to turning off my location and being free from their scrutiny. If they make a fuss about it, I’ll say… listen, I’m closer to graduation than I am high school. I’m twenty years old. I should be allowed to not look over my shoulder and constantly hexplain myself to my parents.
Despite my fraught relationship with my mother, I really am close to my dad. I didn’t eat dinner because I kinda fell asleep instead, so after Michaels he took me to noodles & company at like 8:30 pm lol. And we talked about some serious topics and I ended up crying in the fucking noodles & company. Embarrassing!
I talked about how horrid my semester had been, and I told him that I’m diagnosed with ADHD now. The more we talked, the more we realized we have the hexact same problems with time management and focus, and he could probably also be diagnosed with ADHD. It’s very possible to be a genetic thing: we’ve both been like this since we were very young. We listened to Radiohead on the drive back. I really do love my dad, I think. He’s even accepted my chosen name: he came to see me in the Nutcracker, where I was listed as my chosen name instead of my deadname in the program. He never said it out loud, but he said, “oh I saw your name in the program…” and pointed to my chosen name. It made me happy. He’s just like me in a lot of ways: we both really love talking about music, and we’re creatives that like physically making things. Plus I even think he has emotional regulation/impulse control issues (?) just like me. Fuck I’m crying lol. I cry really easily.
I like my dad, and that’s scary. I hate my mom, but I like my dad, and he likes my mom. And I still like my mom, deep down. Once, we were discussing The Incident months after the fact, and she told me something like - “You’re really strong. I don’t think I could’ve been that strong if I’d gone through this at your age. And healing from it is making you even stronger.” It meant a lot to me, and I started crying and I hugged her. Oh my god, I’m crying again.
On the politics of fictional characters.
Dec. 21st, 2025 07:22 pmI've come to realize that there are two opposite extremes that I equally despise when people write about their OCs/blorbos' political opinions.
Side 1: "They're evil, so they must be conservative and bigoted!" I often see this applied to characters like Mrs. Blight and Emperor Belos (since the fanbase of The Owl House isn't really mature enough to understand nuance anyway), Shadow Weaver from She-Ra (potentially similar), and I saw it applied to Renee from Pantheon once. (No hexcuse there, to be honest, Pantheon is an adult enough show.) It just straight up doesn't make any sense for the characters from a kid's show that won't even so much as say the word "gay" to be homophobic. She-Ra and The Owl House largely take place in alternate worlds that are pretty much queer creators' dreams of worlds where sexual orientations and gender identities aren't discriminated against. It flattens a character to make them so cartoonishly evil that they hate EVERYTHING good in the world and only believe in HATERED and THE EVULZ. Bad is Good and Good is Bad, so since this character is evil, they must be against all views of the liberal/leftist creator. Needless to say, people are more complex than that.
Side 2: "I love writing about evil characters! What do you mean you write about a conservative/bigoted character? Are you homophobic IRL?" This one just infuriates me. Writing about a murderer doesn't make you a murderer in real life, but this crime is so much more okay to the wider internet than sex crimes ("WTF YOU LIKE A RAPIST? YOURE A RAPIST IN REAL LIFE!") or. strangely, being homophobic. Look, I get it, I hate queerphobes too, we all do, but don't fucking jump down someone's throat for this in all cases, ESPECIALLY if they're queer themself.
To be honest, this is more prickly territory than the last example: there's definitely ways that fans can take this to the extreme. I think this is worse with racial issues since so many fans are white. I wasn't in the thick of it, but this is reminding me of stuff I heard about Sinners. Apparently, a lot of people were huge huge fans of the one white antagonist in the movie and wrote x readers about him. What the fuck???? That's bad. You understand how that's bad, right? Oh, and a lot of fans residing in the imperial core make light of "war crimes" as an abstract thing for their sopping wet cat evil blorbo has done wrong. Stop it. Do you even know what real-world war crimes actually are?
But nonetheless, writing a character with views that you don't agree with can make them more complex and more dimensional. Using my own characters as examples: Cainabeth (horrible horrible woman) is an anarcho-capitalist (horrible horrible political stance) because she's distrustful of the government and believes in the free market. Plus she profits off healthcare, that is a notable thing she does. Roan is a misogynist (miso-femme-ist?) because of his various complexes about appearing strong/Dominant that stem from being bullied for being too effeminate in childhood. Whitney is anti-woke (would bully nonbinary people) but also anti-fascist (would definitely punch a Nazi). Crush AU!Roan is super supportive of the military/veterans because his dad was in the military and Roan really idolizes him. Probably more, these are just off the top of my head.
For chrissakes, stop being so scared of nuance!
Side 1: "They're evil, so they must be conservative and bigoted!" I often see this applied to characters like Mrs. Blight and Emperor Belos (since the fanbase of The Owl House isn't really mature enough to understand nuance anyway), Shadow Weaver from She-Ra (potentially similar), and I saw it applied to Renee from Pantheon once. (No hexcuse there, to be honest, Pantheon is an adult enough show.) It just straight up doesn't make any sense for the characters from a kid's show that won't even so much as say the word "gay" to be homophobic. She-Ra and The Owl House largely take place in alternate worlds that are pretty much queer creators' dreams of worlds where sexual orientations and gender identities aren't discriminated against. It flattens a character to make them so cartoonishly evil that they hate EVERYTHING good in the world and only believe in HATERED and THE EVULZ. Bad is Good and Good is Bad, so since this character is evil, they must be against all views of the liberal/leftist creator. Needless to say, people are more complex than that.
Side 2: "I love writing about evil characters! What do you mean you write about a conservative/bigoted character? Are you homophobic IRL?" This one just infuriates me. Writing about a murderer doesn't make you a murderer in real life, but this crime is so much more okay to the wider internet than sex crimes ("WTF YOU LIKE A RAPIST? YOURE A RAPIST IN REAL LIFE!") or. strangely, being homophobic. Look, I get it, I hate queerphobes too, we all do, but don't fucking jump down someone's throat for this in all cases, ESPECIALLY if they're queer themself.
To be honest, this is more prickly territory than the last example: there's definitely ways that fans can take this to the extreme. I think this is worse with racial issues since so many fans are white. I wasn't in the thick of it, but this is reminding me of stuff I heard about Sinners. Apparently, a lot of people were huge huge fans of the one white antagonist in the movie and wrote x readers about him. What the fuck???? That's bad. You understand how that's bad, right? Oh, and a lot of fans residing in the imperial core make light of "war crimes" as an abstract thing for their sopping wet cat evil blorbo has done wrong. Stop it. Do you even know what real-world war crimes actually are?
But nonetheless, writing a character with views that you don't agree with can make them more complex and more dimensional. Using my own characters as examples: Cainabeth (horrible horrible woman) is an anarcho-capitalist (horrible horrible political stance) because she's distrustful of the government and believes in the free market. Plus she profits off healthcare, that is a notable thing she does. Roan is a misogynist (miso-femme-ist?) because of his various complexes about appearing strong/Dominant that stem from being bullied for being too effeminate in childhood. Whitney is anti-woke (would bully nonbinary people) but also anti-fascist (would definitely punch a Nazi). Crush AU!Roan is super supportive of the military/veterans because his dad was in the military and Roan really idolizes him. Probably more, these are just off the top of my head.
For chrissakes, stop being so scared of nuance!
Defanging the Obscene
Dec. 11th, 2025 10:33 amIt makes me upset how much they neutered Heathers the Musical. After last night i keep getting Veronica's "I think that's what they call third base!" stuck in my head. In the original movie, that scene takes place at a college frat party where older men creep on Veronica and Chandler, fully aware of and drawing attention to how they're underage. But in the musical it's a goofy high school house party where everyone is goofing off and having fun and nothing predatory is happening. This is the first of many examples of how much they butchered the movie.
Other things that piss me off:
Other things that piss me off:
- Veronica getting changed to be a better person, shown as an idealist seduced by the promise of the Heathers' protection, instead of someone who made choices to get where she is.
- Veronica being changed to be poor instead of affluent. This is also because they need Veronica and JD to be black-and-white morality, so Veronica has to be a Sympathetic Person all around.
- Martha Dunnstock and Betty Finn are conflated, undermining Veronica's character development. Yes, reconnecting with an old friend is a good thing to show, but the whole point of Veronica making friends with Martha is to show that she's now willing to make an effort to get to know the bottom rung of high school society. True kindness showed to a stranger who you're not biased towards.
- "Fight For Me" is just a really bad song in general, and in this song, JD beats up Kurt and Ram instead of shooting at them.
- For some reason JD's comments about convenience stores and buying a Slurpee for Veronica gets expanded to an entire fucking song where he says Slurpees are better than cocaine??? It's like the fandomization favorite food curse but 10x worse because it's an official adaptation.
I'm so fucking cooked
Dec. 11th, 2025 10:28 amOh my god I don't know shit about chinese OR organic chemistry. Today i have a fuckton of overdue assignments to do so I seriously have to lock in. I have from 1:45 until 7, that should be enough time to cram if I REALLYYYY lock in.
I'm sure hanging out for several hours with a cute boy last night didn't help, but it was pretty worth it anyway. Ugh I CANNOT tell my advisor about this, he's going to be like "Sewa why aren't you taking your assignments seriously..." since like he did seem a bit concerned about how much time I had in my schedule when i was venting to him about the HORRORS of liking a boy. Because dating does take time and energy. Ugh I want to talk about him so bad but I have no idea what to even SAY i just know that I really, really, really like him.
I'm sure hanging out for several hours with a cute boy last night didn't help, but it was pretty worth it anyway. Ugh I CANNOT tell my advisor about this, he's going to be like "Sewa why aren't you taking your assignments seriously..." since like he did seem a bit concerned about how much time I had in my schedule when i was venting to him about the HORRORS of liking a boy. Because dating does take time and energy. Ugh I want to talk about him so bad but I have no idea what to even SAY i just know that I really, really, really like him.
Yesterday was my birthday! The big 20, actually.
I had an amazing birthday. Every year, I wear a cute little tiara and cake earrings and dress up in a classic Sewa way. The tiara is something I don’t usually wear though, so I get comments on it, and then I get to say that it is my birthday! So a lot of people wished me happy birthday. The nicest lady at the swipe-in station also hunted me down to give me a plate that had a little foil sculpture of a birthday cake on it and strawberries around it! It was so cute. Plus I got nice messages on Discord.
Plus some birthday gifts. My gf bought me something from the vewn online store but won’t tell me what it was! I’m sooo impatient… and also my friend drew a little Vesper doodle for me :)
And umm… the best birthday gifts… first of all I made out with a cute alt boy in an empty theater and it was sooooo crazy I felt like I was in a movie. Second of all, that friend that drew Vesper for me came back after a long hiatus from Discord! They have this tendency to go offline for long periods of time unannounced and it strained our relationship because I was taking it personally and thinking they were abandoning me. (Thanks, abandonment issues!). But we apologized to each other, no hard feelings, and now I think they’re ready to come back since they’re happier with their own life now!!!
I had an amazing birthday. Every year, I wear a cute little tiara and cake earrings and dress up in a classic Sewa way. The tiara is something I don’t usually wear though, so I get comments on it, and then I get to say that it is my birthday! So a lot of people wished me happy birthday. The nicest lady at the swipe-in station also hunted me down to give me a plate that had a little foil sculpture of a birthday cake on it and strawberries around it! It was so cute. Plus I got nice messages on Discord.
Plus some birthday gifts. My gf bought me something from the vewn online store but won’t tell me what it was! I’m sooo impatient… and also my friend drew a little Vesper doodle for me :)
And umm… the best birthday gifts… first of all I made out with a cute alt boy in an empty theater and it was sooooo crazy I felt like I was in a movie. Second of all, that friend that drew Vesper for me came back after a long hiatus from Discord! They have this tendency to go offline for long periods of time unannounced and it strained our relationship because I was taking it personally and thinking they were abandoning me. (Thanks, abandonment issues!). But we apologized to each other, no hard feelings, and now I think they’re ready to come back since they’re happier with their own life now!!!
I don’t believe any of it…
Dec. 7th, 2025 01:34 amThis stupid fucking meowbahh video got me thinking. (She showed the Bible and the Quran and then basically said “I don’t believe any of it~” and showed her own pink Meowbahh Bible with pink cat ears. I think meowbahh got cancelled or something i dont know.)
I love being an antitheist. I align myself with New Atheism… kind of. I don’t really read their books and I’m not a fan of the Islamophobia they have going on, although i DO dislike Islam. I just dislike theistic religions in general. I don’t think Muslims or Jews should be discriminated against by their religion, especially because they’ve been oppressed by the Big Bad, Christianity. I think ultimately, in the current political climate, it’s better for me not to be loud about how much I dislike the ideologies that have been used as a cudgel for evil. My ire is usually trained on Abrahamic religions and ESPECIALLY Christianity, but I still hate all religion in the way that I think “spirituality” and “faith” are fucking shams. You people are stupid. Wake up.
To be honest, I talk about antitheism saving me from the clutches of Christianity the same way Christians talk about Jesus saving them. I was raised as an evangelical Baptist. Christianity pretty much gives you the tools to refuse the facts and it is so, so hard to break out of that mindset. I likened it to a scale: on the left side, all of the experts and scientists and activists and even other Christian leaders in the world, telling me that being gay is okay. On the right side, the tiniest scrap of Christian ideology that aligns with my preexisting beliefs. I could just turn my back on all of that, and say the devil is testing me. No matter how much I piled on the scale, I still had to avoid looking at Christian rhetoric because literally the smallest things would make me wonder if I was going to hell and I would get really dysregulated over it. But I ended up transitioning to being an antitheist (it went agnostic -> atheist -> antitheist) and now THAT’s what I build my identity around, NOT being ex-christian. And it really did help me to say, FUCK religion! Religion sucks! It’s irrational, it teaches you to ignore facts and logic, I simply don’t believe that we are anything more than this life. And Christianity specifically is deeply evil. I try my best to love the Christian and hate the Church (see what I did there?) when I like them as a person otherwise but nnnope I still resent them for how they talk to me sometimes.
Also, you can’t fucking rehabilitate these religions. Spare your breath talking about how Jesus was a Middle-Eastern man who sat with prostitutes and hated church greed and wanted liberation of minorities or whatever. You still can’t erase the disgusting legacy of the Church, and how it continues to abuse today. And for fuck’s sake, stop saying the homophobes aren’t “real” Christians! Ever heard of the “no true Scotsman” fantasy? That’s literally you thats what you sound like. Embarrassing!
I love being an antitheist. I align myself with New Atheism… kind of. I don’t really read their books and I’m not a fan of the Islamophobia they have going on, although i DO dislike Islam. I just dislike theistic religions in general. I don’t think Muslims or Jews should be discriminated against by their religion, especially because they’ve been oppressed by the Big Bad, Christianity. I think ultimately, in the current political climate, it’s better for me not to be loud about how much I dislike the ideologies that have been used as a cudgel for evil. My ire is usually trained on Abrahamic religions and ESPECIALLY Christianity, but I still hate all religion in the way that I think “spirituality” and “faith” are fucking shams. You people are stupid. Wake up.
To be honest, I talk about antitheism saving me from the clutches of Christianity the same way Christians talk about Jesus saving them. I was raised as an evangelical Baptist. Christianity pretty much gives you the tools to refuse the facts and it is so, so hard to break out of that mindset. I likened it to a scale: on the left side, all of the experts and scientists and activists and even other Christian leaders in the world, telling me that being gay is okay. On the right side, the tiniest scrap of Christian ideology that aligns with my preexisting beliefs. I could just turn my back on all of that, and say the devil is testing me. No matter how much I piled on the scale, I still had to avoid looking at Christian rhetoric because literally the smallest things would make me wonder if I was going to hell and I would get really dysregulated over it. But I ended up transitioning to being an antitheist (it went agnostic -> atheist -> antitheist) and now THAT’s what I build my identity around, NOT being ex-christian. And it really did help me to say, FUCK religion! Religion sucks! It’s irrational, it teaches you to ignore facts and logic, I simply don’t believe that we are anything more than this life. And Christianity specifically is deeply evil. I try my best to love the Christian and hate the Church (see what I did there?) when I like them as a person otherwise but nnnope I still resent them for how they talk to me sometimes.
Also, you can’t fucking rehabilitate these religions. Spare your breath talking about how Jesus was a Middle-Eastern man who sat with prostitutes and hated church greed and wanted liberation of minorities or whatever. You still can’t erase the disgusting legacy of the Church, and how it continues to abuse today. And for fuck’s sake, stop saying the homophobes aren’t “real” Christians! Ever heard of the “no true Scotsman” fantasy? That’s literally you thats what you sound like. Embarrassing!
Sorry for allat
Nov. 21st, 2025 10:16 pmI'm feeling slightly better now, Last night I got to have dinner with my wife and cuddle her and kiss her and pet her cat and watch Mythbusters, and now I'm having computer time while she plays Morrowind. I already did all my bedtime stuff so i can sleep literally whenever now. I had a stressful day. Someone didn't show to my rehearsal and I'm getting stressed about it because like, I taught important new stuff and had to space it without someone. She didn't even respond to my texts. But I did get extra rehearsal time, because the next group cancelled.
I hit breaking point last night, though. I couldn't sleep, so I asked my girlfriend to give me math problems (since that's kind of an inside joke we have). I failed to do some basic multiplication problems and then started sobbing because I felt so stupid. It was compounding with the amount of stupid I felt from my grades' slippage. I got a 9.5/16 on my presentation, and just got an 18/30 on an orgo quiz. I think I'm doing well in orgo otherwise, though, my other grades have been respectable. But I still feel stupid. Anyway. I was crying and started rambling, and my girlfriend, obviously frustrated with me, told me to take deep breaths. I waited for her to fall asleep and then I kept monologuing. Whispering to myself. She couldn't hear me, nobody could hear me. I just whispered to the air for what felt like 15 minutes straight before I fell asleep. I woke up kind of well rested, maybe? I'm still tired, but I got a lot of sleep and I don't think I feel as awful as I have for the rest of recently.
I hit breaking point last night, though. I couldn't sleep, so I asked my girlfriend to give me math problems (since that's kind of an inside joke we have). I failed to do some basic multiplication problems and then started sobbing because I felt so stupid. It was compounding with the amount of stupid I felt from my grades' slippage. I got a 9.5/16 on my presentation, and just got an 18/30 on an orgo quiz. I think I'm doing well in orgo otherwise, though, my other grades have been respectable. But I still feel stupid. Anyway. I was crying and started rambling, and my girlfriend, obviously frustrated with me, told me to take deep breaths. I waited for her to fall asleep and then I kept monologuing. Whispering to myself. She couldn't hear me, nobody could hear me. I just whispered to the air for what felt like 15 minutes straight before I fell asleep. I woke up kind of well rested, maybe? I'm still tired, but I got a lot of sleep and I don't think I feel as awful as I have for the rest of recently.
I posted my battle jacket to reddit (stupid, I know, but I got validation for it when I posted a year ago) and got a couple of hate comments. Nothing too creative, just "looks like ass" "this belongs on r/baddlejackets" and, hilariously, someone writing "not a single band patch, just leftist slogans". Are we looking at the same jacket??? I have >10 band patches and 0 leftist slogan patches... (there are 2 patches that take the stances of antipsychiatry and pro-transfeminism, but that's it). This morning I found out that somebody reposted my javket to r/baddlejackets with the caption "I think it needs more lgbt symbols and interracial lesbians since thats (sic) is all that defines the owner apparently". I was confused about the interracial lesbians part since I have no race-related slogans on my jacket, but then I remembered that I have a Vesperoan button. Did this guy seriously just zero in on a singular button and decide to choose hate?
OK, now that that's all set up. The punchline: EVERYONE ON R/BADDLEJACKETS DEFENDED ME. The hateful subreddit dedicated to making fun of battle jackets made by trans people DEFENDED ME? Most of the comments wrote variations on "this jacket is fine, there are plenty of band patches on this, you're just homophobic" which is just so funny to me. Congratulations, ya played yourself. Not even r/baddlejackets will join you in making fun of me...
Nutcracker Updates!!
Nov. 19th, 2025 01:54 pmOh em gee I forgot to tell you all about the finale! I’m super hexcited about it! Basically, this year’s Nutcracker is much better than it’s ever been before in the ballet club. We have totally revamped costumes and choreography, and I feel great about basically every dance except the super super beginner one but theyre beginners so what are you gonna do. Last year our “finale” was bowing by class year to a pop song :/// Nobody liked our president last year; she was basically holding us back from being great. Anyways, Finale is an actual Thing this year, with the Act II soloists coming back and doing little excerpts from their dances. I’m also there, but only as Flower Corps ☹️ It bruises my pride a little, but it’s ok. I still have a really high profile solo—a SOLO SOLO, most of other solos are “leads” with other dancers on stage at the same time. Except Clara and Nutcracker, but that obviously doesn’t count because they’re special. I wish I got to be Spanish—I actually could have made myself Spanish lead since I’m choreographing it, but I already got to do that in freshman year and want to give someone else an opportunity to shine. I wonder if I’ll teach Spanish again next year. A huge majority of eboard/high profile members of the club are graduating this year and I’m lowkey freaking out because then who’s going to run the corps rehearsals??? If I have to deal with the beginners in Party I’ll have a conniption. I could do Flowers—I know the choreo super well since we’ve had it done for a long time already and have been cleaning.
I’m off topic, let’s get back to it. I’m most excited about the end of finale. We have two Claras—act I and act II. Pretty sure we do this to be easier on the dancers/offer more people roles, but now we have a story reason for it! We’ll lean into one Clara being the “reality Clara” and the other one being the “dream Clara”. There’s a Clara switch between Battle and Snow. We’ll have them switch back during finale, and the reality Clara waves goodbye to the dream clara and then to the Nutcracker, then goes back to sleep on her couch… then she wakes up and sees the nutcracker (prop) besides her! And the music gets really big and she dances around with the nutcracker AND THEN IN THE BACKGROUND THE DREAM CLARA AND NUTCRACKER (DANCER) DANCE ACROSS THE BACK OF THE STAGE BECAUSE ITS WHAT REAL CLARA IS IMAGINING IN HER HEAD. AS SHE DANCES WITH THE NUTCRACKER DOLL. DO YOU SEE THE VISION. DO YOU SEE IT. DO YOU SEE IT?!?!?!?!?!? The Claras get to be actual main characters instead of only being in Party and Battle and like… I don’t remember what the other one is, Snow? That was how it was before, but now we END ON CLARA HOLDING THE NUTCRACKER WHILE THE MUSIC GETS REALLY BIG AND AUSGWKDHWKDBWNDBFKE ITS SOOOOOO GOOD IM SO SO SO HEXCITED RAHHHHHHHHHH
I’m off topic, let’s get back to it. I’m most excited about the end of finale. We have two Claras—act I and act II. Pretty sure we do this to be easier on the dancers/offer more people roles, but now we have a story reason for it! We’ll lean into one Clara being the “reality Clara” and the other one being the “dream Clara”. There’s a Clara switch between Battle and Snow. We’ll have them switch back during finale, and the reality Clara waves goodbye to the dream clara and then to the Nutcracker, then goes back to sleep on her couch… then she wakes up and sees the nutcracker (prop) besides her! And the music gets really big and she dances around with the nutcracker AND THEN IN THE BACKGROUND THE DREAM CLARA AND NUTCRACKER (DANCER) DANCE ACROSS THE BACK OF THE STAGE BECAUSE ITS WHAT REAL CLARA IS IMAGINING IN HER HEAD. AS SHE DANCES WITH THE NUTCRACKER DOLL. DO YOU SEE THE VISION. DO YOU SEE IT. DO YOU SEE IT?!?!?!?!?!? The Claras get to be actual main characters instead of only being in Party and Battle and like… I don’t remember what the other one is, Snow? That was how it was before, but now we END ON CLARA HOLDING THE NUTCRACKER WHILE THE MUSIC GETS REALLY BIG AND AUSGWKDHWKDBWNDBFKE ITS SOOOOOO GOOD IM SO SO SO HEXCITED RAHHHHHHHHHH
Unlearning Ballet-typical snobbery.
Nov. 16th, 2025 05:04 pmI am. A snob! It's pretty much bred into young ballet dancers. I learned to be petty and catty, and to view pointe as the be-all end-all of good technique. Switching from high school dance classes to a college club (less formal, student-run) was a trip. I can tell that the freshmeat are the same as me: they come to rehearsal in buns and pink tights and ballet slippers, desperate to hold onto the conventions of their youth. I didn't think I would ever loosen up, but I did. I'm at rehearsal in a The Cure T-shirt, flared black leggings, and dumb socks with sushi cats on them. Like, cats inside sushi. It's hard letting go, but I genuinely feel much happier here than I did as a ballet kid. Students get to call the shots on casting and choreography and costumes, so I feel like I'm working WITH those things instead of having them forced on me. I do miss the strength I had as a ballet kid, but my technique is much better now--I look prettier and more confident on stage.
So what the title refers to is me finally getting over looking down on not being en pointe. A lot of the dancers who have no interest in pointe in this club are actually very skilled. They look beautiful, and they don't need to put their feet through hell to do it. And now I'm not jonesing for pointe in every dance I do. Well, not right now, at least. I'm chill with dancing Harlequin Doll on flat, since it's mostly jumps. I kind of wanted to petition to do it en pointe purely because of the echappe releves, which are a POINTE STEP. But I think it's fine, since I'm not really going to be turning or doing extensions. I don't need that added CLACK CLACK CLACKing in my life.
I've just been thinking about ballet so much since I saw that ballet last night. I was contemplating future roles--I'm almost sure I'll be Sugarplum next year. Who else is qualified? My dream is to be Clara-as-Sugarplum, but I would like to be a decent person and not take up all the roles. Other people deserve their time in the spotlight, too [said through gritted teeth].
Here's my favorite Sugarplum choreo:
... wow, they did her dirty with that thumbnail.
Also, we're talking about doing Cygnets for the spring show, which... well, everyone knows this one, but I'll embed the video anyway.
I was supposed to perform this 2 years ago, but was ROBBED because somebody dropped out, and we couldn't have three little swans. So my choreographer had us do a contemporary pointe dance, which I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR. I hated the music. Grrr.... I hope I never have to do another CONTEMPORARY dance as long as I live. I hate contemporary dance. (not to be confused with neoclassical or modern, although I'm not a huge fan of modern anyway--I just hate how every time I try to work with contemporary, I hate the music or the choreo or both. And it doesn't come naturally to me to choreograph myself--I only know how to choregraph neoclassical.)
Signing off now, I have a neuro presentation to do, but my head is simply swimming with ideas for future ballets!
So what the title refers to is me finally getting over looking down on not being en pointe. A lot of the dancers who have no interest in pointe in this club are actually very skilled. They look beautiful, and they don't need to put their feet through hell to do it. And now I'm not jonesing for pointe in every dance I do. Well, not right now, at least. I'm chill with dancing Harlequin Doll on flat, since it's mostly jumps. I kind of wanted to petition to do it en pointe purely because of the echappe releves, which are a POINTE STEP. But I think it's fine, since I'm not really going to be turning or doing extensions. I don't need that added CLACK CLACK CLACKing in my life.
I've just been thinking about ballet so much since I saw that ballet last night. I was contemplating future roles--I'm almost sure I'll be Sugarplum next year. Who else is qualified? My dream is to be Clara-as-Sugarplum, but I would like to be a decent person and not take up all the roles. Other people deserve their time in the spotlight, too [said through gritted teeth].
Here's my favorite Sugarplum choreo:
... wow, they did her dirty with that thumbnail.
Also, we're talking about doing Cygnets for the spring show, which... well, everyone knows this one, but I'll embed the video anyway.
I was supposed to perform this 2 years ago, but was ROBBED because somebody dropped out, and we couldn't have three little swans. So my choreographer had us do a contemporary pointe dance, which I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR. I hated the music. Grrr.... I hope I never have to do another CONTEMPORARY dance as long as I live. I hate contemporary dance. (not to be confused with neoclassical or modern, although I'm not a huge fan of modern anyway--I just hate how every time I try to work with contemporary, I hate the music or the choreo or both. And it doesn't come naturally to me to choreograph myself--I only know how to choregraph neoclassical.)
Signing off now, I have a neuro presentation to do, but my head is simply swimming with ideas for future ballets!
Fight me, bite me!!!
Nov. 15th, 2025 04:06 pm
So I've been LITERALLY OBSESSED with this song, and looping it nonstop! It doesn't make a ton of sense in the context of Vesperoan, but some of the lyrics fit:
"I want you to fight me, fight me, come and face me
Nothing that you say will mean a thing
So bite me, bite me, go and try me
Say it to my face, and I'll make you pay
Just 1V1 me, you won't break me
Thinking you're on top, but I know you're not
So fight me, fight me, you can bite me
Don't go crying when you fall before me"
This color palette and style is NOT really Vesperoan-core at all. Don't know how this happened. I kind of went into a fugue state where I spent 3 hours drawing this. I think it turned out well, though!
Crossposted here!
Corset Seasoning
Nov. 15th, 2025 03:54 pmSo my friend (thank you, friend!!!! MWAHMWAHMWAHMWAHMWAH) bought me the Libby corset in black cotton from Timeless Trends. This corset was recommended to me by the Lucy’s Corsetry calculator, and yet it’s still too big at the ribs and the hips—it flares away from my body. I also got a white satin Slim underbust as part of their $20 mystery white corsets deal. It fits me better, but… I don’t want “slim”, damn it! I want interesting shapes! My hunch is that the Libby will fit me better as I lace it down more. I’m trying to wear it around the house and when i do menial tasks. I wore it while cooking on Wednesday, but I had to take it off after I ate because I got nauseous. I don’t think that was corset-related, though—I just didn’t eat very much until a late hour on that day.
I also wore it for a little longer while doing chores yesterday. It started to hurt my ribs at the very end, which I know is not supposed to happen... I took it off immediately after that.
Shit, now that I'm writing this post, I did a little more research--this is my first real corset, after all--and read that seasoning isn't strictly necessary, and is more for the wearer than the corset.
....
... so that means I can wear it to see a ballet tonight, right?
Okay, but real talk, I've been wearing a steel-boned finishing belt (though not an actual corset, there's no rib/hip spring) from HailSatinCorsetry for a while already. I'm used to wearing it for 8+ hours at a time. So I'll probably be fine as long as I don't overdo the lacing. I think I want to layer it over my "Morticia Addams" bodycon dress.
I also wore it for a little longer while doing chores yesterday. It started to hurt my ribs at the very end, which I know is not supposed to happen... I took it off immediately after that.
Shit, now that I'm writing this post, I did a little more research--this is my first real corset, after all--and read that seasoning isn't strictly necessary, and is more for the wearer than the corset.
....
... so that means I can wear it to see a ballet tonight, right?
Okay, but real talk, I've been wearing a steel-boned finishing belt (though not an actual corset, there's no rib/hip spring) from HailSatinCorsetry for a while already. I'm used to wearing it for 8+ hours at a time. So I'll probably be fine as long as I don't overdo the lacing. I think I want to layer it over my "Morticia Addams" bodycon dress.
Hey, look, it's 11/11!
Nov. 11th, 2025 12:46 pmWe're the last ones left, Adam/Eve of Death <333
Speaking of music, here's a quick topsters I made!
I didn't think too hard about this. The four Ada Rook/Black Dresses albums are a must-have, plus TDS + Opheliac, but beyond that.... it gets dicey. I don't know what to include or exclude. FUKOUNA GIRL is a single, chrissakes.
Speaking of music, here's a quick topsters I made!
I didn't think too hard about this. The four Ada Rook/Black Dresses albums are a must-have, plus TDS + Opheliac, but beyond that.... it gets dicey. I don't know what to include or exclude. FUKOUNA GIRL is a single, chrissakes.
What is a “trusted adult?”
Nov. 10th, 2025 03:58 pmSeriously, where the hell do you get these if not finding them in fan communities? Nobody trusts their parents, and you can’t trust teachers or therapists because they’re mandated reporters who WILL tell your parents or get you locked in the fucking psych ward. And obviously you can’t trust adults at your church/religious groups. Being a minor sucks, thank god I have rights now.
Craziest shit I've ever seen...
Nov. 9th, 2025 04:51 pmImagine you're walking around school, and a girl asks you to follow her. You're like, "yeah, okay". The girl goes behind a bush and puts on a raincoat, then walks to a trash can and removes a crowbar. You say, "That looks dangerous, are you gonna hurt someone with--" Before you can finish your sentence, the girl runs at you full throttle and smacks you over the head with the crowbar, killing you instantly.
